When The Church Confuses Offense With Hurt

The church tends to confuse offense with hurt. Both require forgiveness, but it’s essential that we not minimize the harm that some people genuinely feel or that others have inflicted.

There are situations where we can offend people for the cause of Christ, but then there are situations where we really hurt people. We often use the language of offense and say, “I’m sorry that I offended you,” when the truth is, we hurt them. You can’t use the “offense card” to minimize the depth of pain you have caused another person.

The Difference Between Offense and Hurt

• Offense is often tied to our perception, beliefs, or preferences being challenged. To be offended usually means that something rubbed us the wrong way, confronted our comfort zone, or disagreed with our viewpoint. Offense is about feeling insulted, annoyed, or upset, but it doesn’t always mean there was actual harm done. For example, Jesus Himself said the gospel would be an offense to some because truth confronts error (1 Corinthians 1:23).

• Hurt, on the other hand, goes deeper. Hurt speaks to a wound of the heart, mind, or spirit. It can come through someone’s words, actions, neglect, or betrayal. Hurt isn’t about preference—it’s about pain. Hurt causes emotional, relational, or even spiritual damage that requires acknowledgment, repentance, healing, and restoration.

In short:

• Offense touches our pride or position.

• Hurt impacts our heart and personhood.

When we minimize hurt by calling it offense, we not only invalidate someone’s experience—we risk compounding their pain.

The Biblical Call to Prudence

Scripture reminds us that not every offense or insult requires a reaction. Proverbs 12:16 says, “Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.” Likewise, Proverbs 19:11 teaches, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”

This does not mean we dismiss genuine hurt or ignore real pain. It means that when we are insulted or when offense comes, our first call as believers is to respond with prudence, wisdom, and patience. There is a difference between choosing not to escalate an insult and refusing to acknowledge a wound. Wisdom teaches us which is which.

The Weight of Hurt

Proverbs also speaks to the reality of hurt and its effects on the heart. “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit” (Proverbs 15:13). “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). And Proverbs 18:14 reminds us, “The human spirit can endure in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?”

These verses make it clear that hurt is not something we can casually dismiss or relabel as mere “offense.” Hurt impacts the spirit, it weighs on the soul, and it requires acknowledgment, compassion, and healing.

Owning Our Words and Actions

When you wrong someone, or when someone has been wronged, your first words shouldn’t be: “I’m sorry if I offended you.” Instead, they should be: “I’m sorry if I hurt you. I can see and understand how my behavior or my words would have hurt you. Whether it was my intention or not, it hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

If you’re speaking about someone else who has been hurt, their hurt is not simply an offense. You might say, “I can see how those words could have hurt you. I can see how my silence may have hurt you. But if you allow me to explain my heart, my words, or my actions, I hope you will understand my intent.” That is humility for those who truly had no ill will.

But if you know you hurt someone—if you know you wronged them—don’t belittle their feelings and classify it as an offense. That is borderline abusive, and the church has been guilty of doing this for too long.

On the Other Side of Hurt

If you have been hurt or offended, don’t sit in it and don’t get stuck. Please initiate the forgiveness process before the other person has the opportunity to ask for it, as they may never do so. If you’re hurt, name it: “I am hurt.” If you’re offended, examine why. Talk about it, pray about it, confront it if necessary—and then move forward.

The church cannot heal if we keep hiding behind the language of “offense” when what really needs to be addressed is hurt.

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